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I Sometimes Get Confused if Divorce Is Right

From the U.S.: My husband always needed advise about everything including our relationship from people that he did not know personally but via third person and would talk over the phone. His family and elder brother lived in India. He always showed them that he was not happy but would be different when he was with me. He never worked during our less than a year marriage due to his immigrant status. He was verbally abusive and tried to control everything.

We had an argument one morning. That night he talked to his brother and got angry. He slapped me, I warned that I’ll call the cops. He walked out of house. Later, he came with the cops, tried to get me arrested but they saw my bruises and arrested him.

His brother booked his flight without giving me any option; he just left me within 2 days. He blocked my number and only contacted me when he wanted to. He went to my hometown, met my school friends, family friends, falsely accused us and made up stories.

When he ran out of people overseas, he started contacting family friends in the US about how miserable he was. He and his family would not talk to me or my parents if we tried to contact directly. He wanted me and my parents to go to India to beg that we wanted him to come back.

I booked our flights but my condition was I didn’t want his brother’s presence when we all meet. He promised but, his brother came along who was so disrespectful that my dad had a stroke. He passed away two days later.

My husband never showed up at the hospital or his funeral. I came back to the US, withdrew his sponsorship, filed for divorce that was granted. When he found out, he contested, came back to the US.
I don’t know his whereabouts and have no contact with him.

I go back and forth about if I should give him a chance. I feel I still love him and then I realize I cannot trust him. I feel I should call him then I remember my dying dad and his pain, and that he never showed up, was never there and tried to defame me even after my dad passed away.
I feel like a mess sometimes and do not know what I am supposed to do.

A: Please accept my condolences for the loss of your father.

I’m sure this whole situation has caused you a great deal of stress but, from what you wrote, I think you did make the right decision.

Since he wasn’t working, it is possible your husband felt he had to prove to himself and other people that he was still the “man of the house”. You wanted and needed a respectful, loving partner. Instead of working on your marriage, he made himself a “victim” in the eyes of his family and became increasingly controlling and emotionally and physically abusive toward you.

Love without trust never works. Your ex-husband hasn’t changed. He hasn’t contacted you to apologize, to ask for forgiveness or to talk about ways that maybe the two of you could start again. For you to “give him another chance” is like one hand clapping.

Give yourself the love and respect you never got from your husband. Be glad you discovered his true nature before you had children or became dependent on him. You and your family did not deserve the way he treated you. No one deserves treatment like that.

If you can’t move on, please make an appointment with a therapist to get some support and practical help.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie



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