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Jealousy Issues

So before I met my fiancée, she actually dated a famous child actor, whom she had sex with the first time meeting him. But my real problem is she met a singer of a band that she idolizes at a bar one night after his show. They talk and then he follows her to the bathroom and they begin. Now I loved this guy’s music, now it makes me sick to hear it. I saw photos of her just swooning over him. She did whatever he wanted within an hour or so of meeting him, in a bathroom. I can’t stop comparing myself, I hate that she threw herself at him. And I feel I will never be the type of man she truly adores, not a talented and poetic, famous musician. She gladly gave herself to this man with such a short time. Like a groupie and even it being before knowing me it eats me up. Please give me some sort of exercise to cast out the demons I’m putting in my own head. I love her but feel she is settling.

You don’t say how long it has been since you’ve been going out. If it is a brief time, let’s say a few months, then letting the relationship grow and making sure the two of you belong together is worthwhile.

If you’ve been together for a while—perhaps more than a year or so, then you’ll want to acknowledge a few things as you deal with her past. First, is that she has chosen YOU. Child actor, famous musician, whatever—she has chosen to be with you above them. There is a reason for that and that needs to be honored. Your love was more powerful than their fame.

Secondly, her past behavior wasn’t something she wanted to continue otherwise she would have. Giving herself sexually so quickly may not have been something she felt okay about afterwards, may have been part of a time in her life when that was exciting for her to do, or may have had unwanted consequences, or fulfilled some desire. Whatever the reasons are she’s moved on and so should you.

Believing you aren’t the type of man she truly adores is on your side of the equation. Remembering she has chosen you above everyone to spend her life with is key. When your thoughts go to your unworthiness challenge them with this truth.

If you would like some help with this through therapy check on the “find help” link above for someone in your area.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

from Ask the Therapist

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